A license to text and drive

Lots of people on their cell phones this morning.

I was one of them.  That’s why I have “speaker.”

But it occurred to me, as I altered my grip so I could have both hands on the wheel and be safe in the process, that lots of people are driving while talking on their phones, thinking “I’m smart enough to multitask!  I got this!”

We can test that, just like a sobriety test.  And I think that if you’re going to drive and talk on a cellphone, you should be tested for it.  And I think that we can demonstrate by means of test that NOBODY can safely drive and text.

The real trick here, though is that it’s not about smarts.  It’s about coordination.  More importantly, it’s about differentiated coordination?

Can you rub your belly and pat your head?

That’s kind of like holding a phone in one hand while partially gripping the wheel and driving with the other.

Now can you do that while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?

Because you’re talking, dude.

Now can you do that while dancing around, avoiding knuckleheads, AND obeying some necessary but arbitrary law like “you have to lift your knees while you dance?”  Because you still have to obey traffic laws.  It’s not good enough merely to not die:  you have to drive right while doing it.  Preferably while not cutting people off and driving like an asshole because you only are driving with one hand and changing lanes for five seconds so somebody else can merge would be a bother.

That’s my knee, that’s my knee!
See, my foot’s attached to it!

Now can you do all that while avoiding a pack of toddlers who think you have candy, while partially blindfolded?  Because talking on speakerphone is one thing.  But texting means you’re not looking where you’re going.

No, you don’t pass if you bump any of the toddlers.

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