In a move that’s sure to scandalize America, jeans will soon be on the market that force everybody to face the horrible realization that men have dicks.
It’s a pity that people are going to be scandalized, because it’s actually a very good idea.
“When he was like 16-years-old, and he actually got the skin caught in a zipper. And it was just like a screech from the bathroom… It’s one of those times in a mother’s life where you just think, you know, I hoped this would never happen in my lifetime! And of course it did.”
Let me say something flat-out. I’m forty-one years old right now, and I still remember, with shocking clarity, how much it hurt like fuck to get my junk caught in a jean zipper. It hurt worse than having my nose broken. Worse than having my wrist or leg broken. WAYYY worse than having four deeply-impacted wisdom teeth out in the same day with local anaesthesia. Punched in the face? Pfffft. I’d rather be punched in the face every day for the rest of my life, than have that happen again. Doesn’t even compare.
It has happened exactly four times in my life, I can remember each and every time with the agonized clarity women use when they reminisce on childbirth, and it’s one of the main reasons why I just don’t wear a lot of jeans any more.
So, I look forward to this new and shocking innovation that nobody’s ever seen before.
Actually, we have seen this before. For several hundred years after western europeans started joining their hose together, bumps-and-codpieces were the order of the day. This is actually nothing new at all. Modern men’s clothing, pants specifically, tend to be an abomination — they’re women’s patterns mocked up to be worn on men, unless you’re spending a lot of money to have a clothier do it right. (This is why so many of your granddad’s pants, the ones that went up to the natural waist, didn’t have belt loops — they didn’t need them.)
Modern men’s pants are an abomination — they make men stiff and inflexible in the hips, contributing to back problems, they force men to use belts which cut directly across the stomach wall, hindering the diaphram and teaching upper-chest breathing, and many of them are designed to neuter you if you’re careless. That’ll please the man-haters, and it’s great humor of the “tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you slip, fall into an open sewer, and die” sort.
That said, stuffing your pants will remain the realm of hilarious metrosexual disdain. It’s official.