Whiny self-important putz wonders why his parents still worry about him masturbating, p3

Fair warning:  this post is chock-full of absolutely gratuitous viciousness.  If  you’re a nice person,  don’t read this.  Instead, visit the following link.  You were warned.I got forwarded this (warning: puke-o-rama) by our Visiting Artilleryman, and my first response was, “oh, no, no you fucker, you are in my field.” (quote corrected by giggling wife) You are now Officially My Bitch.

First of all, the Buffalo News is officially a Bedwetter’s Rag just for publishing this drivel. This kid could date Maureen Dowd.

Now, you might expect me to have at least some mercy for unemployed history majors. No no. There are actual, real barriers to working in the field. You’ve got social issues, race issues, money issues, and “what-I-do-doesn’t-actually-produce-anything-functional” issues.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an historian. I firmly believe that the folks who are building the future need folks like us to, in the words of my twin, provide a rear-view mirror so we have a better idea what to avoid. But compared to an overpass, a sick kid, or a blissful lack of greywater all over your bathroom floor, Historical Wisdom is definitely a luxury good.

But not this putz. Let’s take this bedwetter by the numbers.

Paragraph One: I rock, but My circumstances suck. Why is this?

The answer is, moron, because you suck. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

Paragraph Two: I went to a pricey private school, but then couldn’t afford it, and had to rejoin the middle class while working a typical student job. For which, by the way, I am clearly not grateful, because I obviously consider scut-work as something of disgust, rather than a chance for me to get ahead in life.

We’re crying for you, pal, and you were obviously a shit history major, because you failed to observe even one of the basics of one of the most-quoted historical figures in U.S. history, who observed that there “is as much dignity to be found in plowing a field as there is in composing a poem.” (That’s Booker T. Washington, and a history major who didn’t flunk “Do you know your ass from a hole in the ground 101″ should have been exposed to him).

Paragraph Three: I have a vastly overinflated sense of the drama of my own life, and think of typical middle-class difficulties as constituting some sort of mega-crisis. That is, I went to a school I knew I couldn’t afford, and then realized I’d actually have to fix this mistake.

This is how you demonstrate that your “three good qualities” quoted in paragraph one are, and I quote, “ambitious, independent, and hardworking?” Somebody should have bumped your head into that SuperMario ceiling fan a little more often. And, while I’m at it, where are your folks, so I can slap them upside the head for being the kind of mewlers who would get their kid a SuperMario ceiling fan?

Paragraph Four: Quoted in full, just so those of you who are browsing and think I’m being cruel can see why this asswipe is getting a fisking. Hell, everybody should turn this sniveling idiot into their own personal web-pinata…

Upon graduating, I was helplessly launched headfirst into the “real world,” equipped with a degree in history and $32,000 in student loans. Before ricocheting back home, I would learn two important lessons: 1) There are no well-paying — let alone paying — jobs for history majors. 2) The real world is really tough.

Translation — me and my shiftless, aimless ass went out to look for a job without a clue, and with nothing vaguely resembling either hardworkingness or ambition, and found out that the world was not, in fact, the wish-fulfillment device my SuperMario-Fan-buying parents raised me to think it was. There are no paying jobs for history majors? You mean that everybody who studies history is incapable of learning a trade, getting into business, or, gasp, doing the traditional day-gigs of the historian, that is, either teaching or clerking/office-managering?  No gigs in government, foreign policy?  No history majors ever ran a restaurant?  Couldn’t start his own business doing, oh, anything?

Paragraph Five:  Again, quoted in full.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, and I had no intention of living in a society that was as unfair as this one. To seek a haven devoid of the ruthless 9-to-5 ebb and flow of contemporary America, I moved to Alaska.

In other words, society is unfair because people have to work and he didn’t choose an immediately-remunerative degree.  Now, remember, this is the guy who, in his own words, put “ambitious, independent, and hardworking” on his college application.  And he’s going to fix all this, by moving… to Alaska, where Mother Nature kills the sloppy and the careless on a regular basis, and a frontier mentality involving lots of harsh work in an even harsher environment is the norm?

So, let’s re-define this guy:  “delusional and filled with a sense of entitlement.”  Oh, and notice that this is a dude who not only scorns work, but now scorns an entire society because it hasn’t been anywhere near as nice as his SuperMario ceiling fan.

Paragraph Six:  I thought I’d instantly join the global elite by getting a liberal arts degree, and the best I could come up with was “seasonal tour guide” up in an Alaskan town for which I had total contempt.

And then he had to repay debts.

And, for the pièce de resistance, we finally get the following paras. 7, 8, and 9, which I will quote in full:

Desperate, I browsed through insurance and bank job descriptions. I had hit an all-time low. Could I surrender my soul for health coverage and a steady income? Could I sacrifice my ideals by falling into line?

Suddenly, living at home didn’t seem nearly as degrading as selling out. But sadly, other graduates don’t have any choice but to work for temp agencies and retail stores to eke by.

That’s the tragedy of student debt: it doesn’t just limit what we do, but who we become. Forget volunteering. Forget traveling. Forget trying to improve your country, or yourself. You’ve got bills to pay, young man.

Notice the complete scorn for the quotidian world.  This guy doesn’t want to improve the country:  he wants to escape it, and regards actually getting a job as, and let us not fail to observe this, selling his soul for health coverage and a steady income.  What, he thought that having a BA (a.k.a., the “can you wipe your butt” level of the liberal arts) suddenly entitled him to Victorian Gentleman status?

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I have two graduate degrees, and worked for a lot of temp agencies.  Any liberal arts major too stupid to take advantage of what a temp agency has to offer (jobs in which they pay you to fly a desk which are usually cushy enough to let you think, while providing you the ability to get a “fly on the wall view” of a vast array of businesses… a.k.a., actually continue to learn something about the world you live in), deserves to be kicked continuously in the ass, with one or two shots to the head thrown in just to reacquaint them with this notion called reality.

And after the long, drawn-out whine as to why our hard-earned cash should be taxed and then spent by the government to operate as his wish-fulfillment device:

My loan payments can’t wait much longer, and soon I must leave home to find work that doesn’t compromise my integrity. Although I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had declared as an accounting major and got a cushy job punching numbers somewhere….

Work that doesn’t compromise this guy’s integrity.  And exactly what integrity has this boy ever demonstrated, besides being an adult who still expects to be infantalized on a regular basis, and who is so out of touch with the world that he actually thinks that accounting is a cushy gig?  Dude, accounting is work.  And you know it, because your real reason for not working at a temp agency is that you don’t like the fact that somebody actually expects you to get that spreadsheet in working order by lunch.

And now, for the pièce de resistance, the parting shot:

….I’ll take my history major, my debt and my mom’s cooking any day of the week.

Yes, asswipe, and I’m sure she tucks you in every night and reads you a lullaby, too, underneath that lovely little SuperMario fan of yours… right before taking her tired, worn-out body into her bedroom in order to cry herself to sleep at night over how she could have raised such a miserable excuse for a son.

Leave a comment

10 Comments

  1. Yup – totally agree. Anyone who believes that the world is just going to bow at your awesomeness due to having a (*gasp*) degree is either deluded or John Kerry.

    It’s absolutely laughable that student debt somehow limits the ability to improve your country, travel, or volunteer. How may hours do we WASTE watching Giligan’s Island re-runs? I’m sure that Mother Theresa was thinking the same thing. Or Andrew Carnegie, or or or…

    Hell, I remodeled a house when my dot-com dried up after Sept 11 – and I was damn happy. I didn’t sit on my ass and collect unemployment. Working a crappy job is great education!

    I have to agree – that is about the whiniest bull I’ve heard in a while.

    Reply
  2. Mike

     /  November 5, 2007

    Oh thank you for doing this. I was at drill and simply couldn’t do it justice. Although I had one of my sergeants read it and it spread through the staff quickly. Compared to what we were saying you are being polite, but much more funny than we were. And conviviadingo, you are dead on, working a crap job is a great education and a great motivator. Everyone needs to work a job they hate once in their life, then the appreciate good jobs that come alone.

    Reply
  3. Mike

     /  November 5, 2007

    I will quote one of the responders to the Buffalo article: “2 letters and one word kid: G, I, Bill.” Like my buddy Sage said last night, there are all kinds of money out there for college, you just have to FIND it. Fed stuff, state stuff, grants, scholarships. You don’t have to go for the BIG one, but a bunch of small stuff works just as well.

    But damn, I thought I knew some people who were a bit out of touch with the real world. I know now I was wrong, they were a bit off, but not so much as this goober.

    Reply
  4. Hey, guys, don’t forget, the author is “ambitious, independent, and hard-working!”

    Reply
  5. Alex

     /  November 5, 2007

    And he is very representative of an entire generation. Expect more whining and complaining to become mainstream and eventually because they’re in the majority – they get what they want.
    Let him be this way – one more person I don’t have to compete with for resources.

    Reply
  6. Gotta laugh… serious “Failure to Launch!”

    Reply
  7. I’m teaching this generation. It’s generational, but it’s also very much a class thing. You can see these guys, and they stand out in the classroom like a sore thumb — the dudes who ought to be racking a 4.0, but are barely managing to squeak past a 2.9 because they just won’t admit that they need to actually grow, learn, develop, *listen*…

    Reply
  8. Alex

     /  November 6, 2007

    You are absolutely correct. This generation can be quite brilliant if they want to be and could excel greatly – but effort is something that is very novel to them to the point that they really don’t know how to do it unless you force them.

    Reply
  9. But it’s not the whole generation, that’s what I’m trying to say — the big brush is really, really inappropriate here. It’s a subculture within the generation (or, more appropriately, within these peoples’ parents raising them).

    Reply
  10. Alex

     /  November 6, 2007

    Speaking from my own experience of those I have encountered and worked with, it is most of the Gen Y generation and millenials – at least a majority (50+%) of them.
    I will admit though that in that generation background and class have strong influences on whether or not they’ll know what effort really is.

    Reply

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